All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
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who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO