All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
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If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
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HEYYYY MACARENA