If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
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me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
the last thing a carrot sees
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My god she’s good.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect