If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
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Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans: