@OtherDanOBrien: "Dark Side Tech Support." "Hi. My hand lightning won't work. The hate's flowing thru me, but nada." "Try turning the hate off & on again."

@Carbosly: This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas. His name was John.

@mereip: *maroon 5 band meeting* 'Songs About Jane' was a massive hit, let's never make anything that sounds like it ever again. do u guys like disco

@secondhand_cake: Just found a $5 bill in the dryer. -Adds money laundering to criminal resume.

@seamussaid: when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse