me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
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waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
The Joker was right