@bjfrancypants: "ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SEX WITH MINERS!" is the exact wrong way to proclaim your sexual proclivity toward those who excavate coal.
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@ramblinma: I'm not saying I want a divorce, it's just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
@Tarrigan: Spider van Spider van How do spiders drive a van? 10 on top 10 below Where would you like to go? Get in. Get in the Spider Van.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
@NurseMurderer: I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
@MichaelGoffLA: Shouldn't elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
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