All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
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reminder
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.