All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
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Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS