all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
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Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!