Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
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When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
an octopus is just a wet spider
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients