All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
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SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave