Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
You Might Also Like
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.