All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
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50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
black phone good
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION