@CoopSoSarc: All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it's ok to get out of her bushes.
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@ItsAndyRyan: PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon" PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you" PIG: "Oh God, not you too"
@truegritrumble: KID:I drew you a picture! ME:What's this? KID:Our house. ME:What's the orange stuff? KID:Fire. ME:Why's the house on fire? KID:I wanna PS4.
@vineyille: I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
@pranavsapra: They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it's been taken out.