The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
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That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.