All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
You Might Also Like
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
My circle of trust is a meatball
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
There are usually two types of merchants.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers