All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
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I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”