All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
You Might Also Like
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
a lot to unpack here
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not