@illTortuga: All I want to know is why Antonio Banderas' hair has been wet for 20 years.
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@fro_vo: [first date] Me: so what do you do Date: i'm a veterinarian Me: thank you for your service Date: veterinarian not veteran Me: ok but still
@duplicitron: Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.
@InternetHippo: *phone rings* SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week? ME: No returns SATAN: Please. It's making me sad
@nbadag: WIFE: can you preheat the oven? ME: you mean heat it WIFE: not this again ME: it can't be heated before it's heated. don't give me that look