Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
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If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Put the is in disheveled
Me trying to look natural in photos
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Worst Native American name ever.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn