All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
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[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.