Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
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When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest