I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Bond. Trauma bond.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.