@Sean_Burgundy_: All I'm saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying "We need to talk"
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@est1975blog: I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because "his leaves are getting on our lawn."
@papasuncle: God: Basically u just chill. Cow: Nice. God: I mean, at first. Cow: ...then? God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
@TinaMav: How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
@Brampersandon_: OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible* JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth? O: Yes BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*