This is my favorite one of these!
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no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?