All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
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*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Meow
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
can I use a minion as a tampon
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.