All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
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How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy