All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
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My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
a god among men
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.