@girl_a_whirl: All I'm saying is if you've ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you'd NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
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@birbigs: "You're joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?" -Jesus
@mikefossey: BuzzFeed writer (innocently): hey friends. as a friendly activity, tell me your funny anecdotes. coincidentally I have an article due soon
@SardonicTart: I'm glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don't know what I'd do with all this work.