All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
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Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Who needs an Air Fryer?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.