All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
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[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
uh oh
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!