All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
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Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Morning my dudes.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
just pretend nothing happened
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?