All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
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Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze