All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
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The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?