@literally_is_me: All I'm saying is Sesame Street would be a lot more entertaining if Big Bird were a velociraptor.
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@heymonroe: Hope I'm never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.
@MAngelo505: FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
@WilliamAder: One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
@dafloydsta: [first day working at Viagra] BOSS: We need a new slogan. ME: *sweating* This is really hard. BOSS: You're a goddamn genius, Johnson.