CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
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Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life