Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
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just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.