I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
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Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop