Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
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No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.