[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
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If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like