All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
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the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
i love meeting boys on tinder
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car