@slaughthie: All I'm saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
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@mantej: God was truly looking out for me today — I opened a bag of air and found a few Lay’s potato chips inside.
@mattsurely: "I got you this for Valentine's Day." [she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside] "I think we should see other people."
@ManiacallySound: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.
@Bizarro_Mark: My parents haven't called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I'm sending my brother over there to check on them.