All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
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Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Miscakes
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*exercises sarcastically*
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish