All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
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“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ