All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
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Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.