All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
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Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.