All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
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If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
SPLOOT
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
how long have you had this for?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?