All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
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Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
yeet
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.