All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
God has left this place
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.