All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Birds & Planes.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo