I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
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Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series