“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
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Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Well, this is awkward
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.