To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’