No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
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Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????