All is fair in drunk and war.
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Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95